In her book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing, Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse who spent many years in palliative care with patients in the last weeks of their lives, gives us a rare insight into the top five regrets of the dying.
Between her book and other articles on what she learned about the top five regrets of the dying, she writes as follows:
1. “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. ”
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. ”
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. ”
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks: love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called “comfort” of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Some of the regrets pastors and counselors hear most expressed are, “I wish I had trusted God more, had spent more time in prayer and less on worrying, and given more time to my family and less to church problems.”
None of us knows what the next day, hour, or even second will bring. But each day that we breathe is a day to make right what is wrong in our lives, to turn to God and ask him for his forgiveness and help to do what we can’t on our own—to live out his plan for us on this earth in love, in giving, and in joy.
What about you? What are some of your regrets? If you knew you had only a short time to live, what would you do?
Why aren’t you doing it…now?
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Great blog.
With hindsight everyone will do things differently – What we’ve to understand is we did our best at the time, given the same situation or circumstance will we do anything differently. Life is too short for regrets !! Consider that we did our best knowingly what we’ve done; but human nature is to do well and better always — So, no regrets……..