She remembers less and less everyday. She still smiles. She is still active in her assisted living. She still recognizes her family. But she is forgetting things. There are days when her forgetfulness causes us both to feel as if we are drowning. Hold on, though, we will not drown. We are not traveling this journey alone. Hallelujah!
I am participating in a daily online Bible reading called “She Reads Truth” (and you should check it out). Presently we are reading through Esther and remembering how God used Esther to bring about a plan. It was not the road Esther would have ever dreamed she would have traveled. It probably was not a plan Esther would have chosen for herself. Yet it was God’s road and God’s plan for her, and it was the BEST road and the BEST plan.
Today’s devotional commentary stated, “God’s hand of rescue uses all of the moments—small or silly or confusing or isolating or terrifying though they may be—as pieces of our own rescue story.” Can I begin to explain how comforting that is when I see Momma leaving me a little more each day? My love for this woman is deeper than even I realized, and I am becoming acutely aware of how difficult life is for HER. I also am amazed at how much I still need my Momma. You would assume a 53 year old, successful, independent woman would have worked past a “need” for her mother, but you would be wrong.
I need my Momma to listen to my stories and laugh with me. I need my Momma to listen to my stories and cry with me. I need my Momma to say the funny things she says so I can come back with my usual smarty-pants response. I need my Momma to put her arms around me and say, “Come crawl in the bed with me, and we will spend the morning being lazy.” I need my Momma to say, “I love you, Carol Lynn, do you know that?” I need my Momma to smile at me when I enter the door. When this ceases, I am afraid my heart will shatter deeply.
For now, I wipe the tears, and I concentrate on the quotation from today’s reading. Let me remind us both of those words: “God’s hand of rescue uses all of the moments—small or silly or confusing or isolating or terrifying though they may be—as pieces of our own rescue story.” Thank you, God, for being MY rescuer.
Hope that gives you Something to Ponder.
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- Carol Howell Talks Dementia: Get Me Out of Here! - November 3, 2018