My name is Lex and I’m a sinner!
Not your cliché, “I was lost and now I’m found” or “I was a sinner, but now I’m a saint” type either. I am a sinner with real, current sins like lust, envy, hate, greed, anger, etc.
Paul states we are dead in our trespasses, before He saved us. Dead does not mean “If I try harder, I can obtain life”, dead means dead! Even after being born again through water and Spirit (John 3:5), we still struggle with sin. We can ignore our current sinful state, but you know that you are not pulling it off!
For those of you like me, take comfort in your conviction! By this I mean, a dead guy feels no pain, sorrow, or conviction.
“And when he comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment” (John 16:8)
The mere fact that your sin is pushing you to repentance is a testament that sanctification is taking place. The Catch 22 is the more the Holy Spirit works on you; the more sins you will become aware of. Actions and thoughts that you did not think twice about will slowly start to cause you to think.
At a different time in my life, I have honestly and sincerely wished for the death of another. This may sound harsh, but as I said before, “I am a sinner,” but because I am in Christ, I have zero to hide. As an 8-year-old, when you witness your step-dad punch your mother in the face and you are helpless to do anything, many thoughts will cross your mind. These were not just thoughts, but prayers and desires I had for years. For years I hated this man—with all my being.
Forgiveness was not in me.
No matter how much I would try, I could not get past my hate. Until I learned a beautiful truth, “The root of all sin is disbelief and everything is possible with Christ.” The more I relied on Christ, the more the Holy Spirit worked on my heart.
I can say with a clear mind, “Christ has removed the hate I had for this man from my heart,” and I am eternally thankful. I still struggle with sins day-to-day and even hour-to-hour, but I have learned that keeping my focus on Christ is key. And though I am still a sinner, I take comfort in knowing the Holy Spirit is working on me. Because I know “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Phil 1:6).
Peace, Grace, and God’s Mercy to you,