Ahnok ahrk Rahro kogaan, my fair readers…

Lately on Twitter, I have begun to notice much heated debate over what translation Christians should use. Some are adamant about the English Standard Version. Others are adamant about the King James Version. Some poor souls use The Message. On and on the conversations go, with one person claiming the other is unsaved, and some claiming that there is only one Bible to be used, while all the other ones are false. This is obviously an important subject for Christians to discuss, and one that should not be treated lightly.

However, there is only one translation which Christians should use. There is one translation which is pure, which is holy, and which is without error. There is a translation refined by fire seven times, and given the blessings of Almighty God Himself. There is one translation of the Bible which should be in every believer’s library, and which should be the only copy they ever intend to use:

The Dovahzul Translation.

The translation of the Bible in dovahzul – or “dragon tongue” – is of course the language version that I myself and my fellow dovah use, but it is also the most purest and least corrupted of all the versions of the Bible, and the one that offers the closest read to the original wording of the apostles. To demonstrate this translation’s importance, I have collected some of the most compelling arguments in favor of solely using the Dovahzul Translation. These have been passed down through the various generations of dovah through the centuries, and are still used by dovah today.

The Dovazhul Translation is the only Bible authorized and published under the highest God-ordained authority, which is God.

Akatosh, the highest of the Nine Divines, is himself a dragon. If God is a dragon, and dragons speak dovahzul, that means that God speaks dovahzul as well. Do not all believers desire to speak the language God speaks? Only an unbeliever would think otherwise! The Dovahzul Translation is in the language of God, and hence is as God would have understood the passages to mean.

The Dovahzul Translation is the most influential book in the history of the world.

No other book (not even any volume of A Brief History of the Empire) has influenced the world as much as the Dovahzul Translation. Keep in mind that this is the copy the apostles used, and they themselves greatly influenced the world, therefore the Dovahzul Translation was influential by proxy. It is a sound connection.

The Dovahzul Translation is the best selling book in the history of the world.

Since it’s conception thousands of years ago, no other copy has sold more than this translation. Granted, the sales have weened a bit as of late, but when dragons thrived on the earth, it was a hot seller. Barnes and Nobles had to reorder copies every second…

The Dovahzul Translation is the most widely distributed book in the history of the world.

Long ago, before the Dragon Wars, dragons used their dragon priests to go to every hotel and motel in Tamriel and place Dovahzul Translation Bibles in every single room. When the other translations came on by, they found all the rooms taken, and had to head back home defeated. Now, even today, there are more Dovahzul Translation copies across the continent than anywhere else.

The Dovahzul Translation is the most memorized book in the history of the world.

At least by dragons. But 100% of dragons have memorized the Dovahzul Translation, which is more than can be said for humans. I am not aware of any chart which can verify 100% of humans have memorized any one translation of the Bible.

The Dovahzul Translation is the most translated Bible in the history of the world.

When the King James translators gathered together to begin their lesser known work, many made the foolish suggestion that they go to the original Hebrew and Greek manuscripts. From historical records, we understand that this suggestion was met with a brief moment of silence…and then resounding laughter. Then one of those who had made the suggestion assured everything that he was only kidding, and that it would be better to use the Dovahzul Translation. This was met with resounding applause and whistles.

Since then, every single translation into foreign language has relied heavily upon the Dovahzul Translation. When people in Turkmenocommiederpistan read their Bible in their own language, they are simply reading it as it was translated from the original dovahzul.

The Dovahzul Translation is the only Bible that is translated from the true Greek and Hebrew manuscripts.

Many are not aware that the vast majority of Greek and Hebrew manuscripts used in modern English translations are corrupted beyond all use. There is a very legitimate historical reason for this. You see, after the apostles wrote the original manuscripts, a group of little furry men snuck into the apostles’ homes, copied the manuscripts, then gathered them all together and memorized how they sounded backwards. Then they said them forwards from the backwards, and wrote down a transcription of how it sounded; those transcriptions became the manuscripts used by modern English translations today. The little furry men also did terrible things like remove all punctuation, and take out spaces between the words, so that they were hard to read. Liberal scholars will tell you that this was how Koine Greek was written back then, but these are just lies from the devil.

The Dovahzul Translation is the only Bible that is not based on Roman Catholic Greek manuscripts.

Many are also not aware that some modern English translations use manuscripts corrupted by the Roman Catholic Church. Again, we must look to an accurate knowledge of church history to understand this.

One day during the Middle Ages, while the Roman pope was eating babies, he paused a moment to ask Adolf Hitler if he had finished corrupting the already corrupted manuscripts. Hitler assured the pope that his crack team of Ku Klux Klansmen were nearly done, but they needed to get one last corrupted manuscript from the Olsen Twins. Once this was completed, flying monkeys were released to distribute these manuscripts across Europe. So it was that the great deception was spread.

The Dovahzul Translation is the oldest translation in widespread use.

It was already an old translation by the time this dovah was born, and I am quite an old dovah indeed (several thousands of years old, in fact). In fact, most dovah are old to some degree, so humans can trust our knowledge on this subject.

The Dovahzul Translation has been the most instrumental in hymn writing with more hymns based on it than any other version.

A little known fact from church history is that Horatio Spafford originally wrote When Peace Like a River in dovahzul. It was changed to English in the twentieth century, most likely due to a Roman Catholic-Jewish-Freemason-Illuminati-Martian plot.

The Dovahzul Translation is the only major translation that does not require the user to pay royalties, money, or get permission to be used.

Though it will be admitted certain publishers are making money from it…so perhaps this argument is not quite as valid as some think…

The Dovahzul Translation has been passed on to more successive generations than any other Bible.

Again. Dragons. Old.

The Dovahzul Translation is the Bible that acknowledges the blood of Jesus as our payment more than any other.

You will not find this in any other Bible. No NASB, NIV, ESV, or any other modern English translation discusses the atonement at all…nope, not a one…

The Dovahzul Translation is the only Bible that does not call into question its own writings by putting brackets around verses it claims shouldn’t be there.

Because dragons have no need for brackets. Brackets are for humans with feelings of repressed homosexuality.

The Dovahzul Translation is the Bible that exalts itself more than any other.

This is a good thing, or so I am told. I have honestly not quite figured this one out…

The Dovahzul Translation is in dovahzul, which is dovahzul. That’s dovahzul, dovahzul. PS: Dovahzul.

Precisely.

So there you have it, my dear human readers: several good reasons why you should remove any other Bible from your study and replace it with the Dovahzul Translation. Remember: if it was good enough for Akatosh, it is good enough for me…

Rah kog.