Ahnok ahrk Rahro kogaan, gentle reader…

I must confess that, even after meditating atop High Hrothgar for thousands of years, it is most perplexing to think on what to place for my first post. Obviously, being a practitioner and teacher on the thu’um – our ability to exercise authority and power with our voice – it is perhaps fitting that I touch upon a subject similar to this. Though I rarely leave Skyrim, let alone High Hrothgar, I do catch what happens across the world, and even beyond, in the realm of other mortals who live on a plane even more 3D than I am. I have heard of a concern regarding the Ebola virus, which has plagued a small section of the continent of Africa and has made a handful in the United States of America slightly ill. Many Christians may be very concerned about what this will mean for them, and if they can be plagued by this. Therefore, let us discuss this topic for a moment…

One of the greatest teachers and practitioners on the thu’um would be the teaching duo of Kenneth and Gloria Copeland. Recently, on their twitter account, they assured believers of this truth:
HEALTH_DEVIL

Brother Copeland is precisely right: is it not God’s will that we be hindered or kept bound by sickness or disease. Of course, some believers out there, limited by their human minds, will leap to passages such as 1 Timothy 5:23, in which Paul says Timothy suffered from grinstiid krasaar, or “frequent ailments.” Some may even try to point out that the healings of Christ were simply to prove his Messianic status (Matt 11:2-6). However, those who follow the path of the dovah, who have the Bible in its original language of dovahzul, know far better. The fact is that if you are a sick believer, you are not a true believer, for you are bound and hindered by devils…perhaps even Satan himself. Rah hiif hi! God help you!

If, gentle reader, you are uncertain of how far this power as a believer takes you, know that, some time ago, Brother Kenneth assured everyone that we would have no need to worry about even the Ebola virus! Werid faal Drog! Praise the Lord! Here is precisely what he wrote and said:

gloria_copeland

Indeed, it is impossible for a true Christian to contact Ebola. Some will contest that many who have suffered from Ebola were true believers, but, again, this is based solely on limited human knowledge. Those of us who have meditated upon these things for thousands of years are far more knowledgeable on this.

Now, gentle reader, you may be pondering how, as a Christian, this is available to you. It is not enough to simply believe; yes, as Brother Copeland in the previous image states, the blood of Christ makes our immunity possible, but there is one more task we must perform: we must exercise our thu’um. As Sister Copeland said in another tweet:

faith_believes

Yes, my fellow believers, we must speak – or more properly, shout – what we desire into existence. Many, however, are unaware of this power available to them, and do not seek to harness it for their benefit. For those Christians who may be worried about the rise in Ebola in America, I might offer these suggestions about which thu’um to use, should they find themselves near an Ebola virus…

First, there is FEIM ZII GRON!! This shout will turn you into an ethereal spirit, and so prevent you from making contact with Ebola viruses.

Second, there is RAAN MIR TAH!! This shout usually makes animals obey you, however you can use it to perhaps get the Ebola viruses to obey you. Imagine that: Ebola viruses following your every whim! Use them to infect and eliminate unbelievers! Werid faal Drog!

If all else fails, and you find yourself confronted by someone with Ebola, then use a good old fashioned FUS RO DAH!!, and you can use pure force to send those sick, unbelieving people away. They will go flying into the air and collide against walls, and then you will have no need to worry about their evil, wicked, unbelieving, disease inducing viruses.

These tips, taken from the orthodox mind of Brother and Sister Kenneth and Gloria Copeland, are all that Christians will need to dwell on during this Ebola crisis. I hope this post has proven beneficial for you, gentle reader, and edifying for your soul.

Rah kog.