Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens Trailer – A Humble Christian Review

Greetings Jedi Knights and Sith Prophetesses!

My name is Tex Skye Walker, THE COMPLEMENTARIAN JEDI, and I am here to bring some truth to our totally depraved and hopeless culture. A few of the films and TV programs that have given me A NEW HOPE have been LOST (which is an allegory for what hell looks like; the Catholics are wrong, purgatory is a place that just does not exist), Fringe (really just a metaphor for how God has his angels watching over us), and the latest two Star Trek movies, Star Trek (2009) and Star Trek Into Darkness. Both of the New Trek movies have been an absolute GODsend, literally. J.J. Abrams is a genius. Star Trek is way more enjoyable without all the radical feminist propaganda of Star Trek: The Original Series, the intellectual gobbled-gook of Star Trek: The Next Generation, an affirmative action candidate and a trans-sexual in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine or the gender confusion in Star Trek: Voyager. Just give me JJ Trek, with nonsensical theories about time-travel, the model romantic couple of Spock and Ursula, I mean Uhura, the biblical manly leadership of Captain Kirk (played by Chris Pine), and of course, the flipping awesome action scenes!

After seeing the Star Wars Episode 7 trailer, I am now fretting over J.J. Abrams’ salvation. I don’t mean that in an Arminian way where they just worry willy-nilly about others not being born again. It’s Once Saved, Always Saved. Period. End of Discussion. If The Force Awakens trailer is any indication, Abrams has all of a sudden gone off the deep end, probably because his hit show, Almost Human was cancelled abruptly. Let’s take a look of everything that is wrong with the trailer, and our culture. First, we get a look at the new Storm Troopers. Political correctness and diversity talk are just running amok. The new Storm Troopers are NOW ALL GOING TO BE BLACK? Listen, I am a big supporter of racial reconciliation (I plan to vote for Dr. Ben Carson for President), and I catch myself listening to Holy Hip Hop from time to time, but this is just ridiculous.

john boyega

First Black Santa Claus, now Black Storm Troopers? What’s next? A Black Spider-man? Let’s not even go there.

Okay, and next, they done went and made R2D2 all effeminate and Western European socialist like. The audacity.
girly r2d2

Why would J.J. Abrams move away from his god-honoring patriotism in Star Trek (2009) to wanting to be a European Union liberal, huh? That Robot looks more like a soccer ball than an android. Just more propaganda to try to get our kids to be less American.

Third, now they got some mysterious unnamed (and probably unmarried) woman trying to be like Hans Solo? She should be at home learning how to be a good homemaker or at church doing nursery duty (no offense, ladies).
lady driving swtfa

It’s just unsafe for her to be out there in the world like that without a man. Where is her father? Where are her brothers? Probably trying to find jobs after losing them to the affirmative action candidate Storm Troopers, I bet!

Lastly, and this is just the absolute worst offense. J.J., how dare you mock Christianity with these “new” light sabers?

sith cross swtfa

They are just utter garbage, and are just a mockery of the Cross as those crucifixes that the Pope and professional athletes try to wear.

I have lost all hope. I am praying day and night that J.J. Abrams hasn’t given in to The PCPolice Menace. May our Star Warrior God have mercy on our souls.

Did I miss anything? Do you have a problem with this awful trailer? Leave a comment below.

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